Blimey, I'd forgotten how hard that was. Today in Prime Minister's Questions, Cameron - in the absence of a coherent Tory economic response to the recession - used all of his questions muttering darkly about VAT and Nick Clegg had a pop at Brown for attempting to imitate Dave. You see? You're writing the jokes yourselves now! Click on the "read more" thingy below for my nearly-up-to-the-minute chunterings.
11.55: Okay, we're nearly ready to go, although Andrew Neil hasn't gone over to the Chamber yet so we're being treated to Norman Tebbit's thoughts on immigration - he loves it, apparently (jes' kiddin').
11.59: The image of the rapidly filling Chamber is being reflected in the beam on Brillo's head, and Nick Robinson has just hoved into view so we're merely seconds away, folks. I'm sad to say that I've missed this.
12: And we're off. The Gord, in addition to his usual engagements spiel reveals he's meeting with Sarkozy and Merkel. Bet Merkel doesn't get offered any choccie biccies after her Minister's criticism of Brown's economic package last year. First up is Liz Blackman ... which allows Brown to detail the new economic package to help small businesses.
12.02: Dave shimmers to his feet and - so keen to deliver a bitchslap about "planted questions" and "copied policy" - forgets to honour the sacrifice of fallen soldiers in Afghanistan. Class. Brown roars to his feet and is all, "everyone's copying MY economics homework but no-one wants to copy YOURS because it's written in crayon on plastic chewable pages!"
12:07: Not to be deterred, Cameron makes a gag about photocopiers. To be honest the hilarity of this one passed me by but George Osborne is laughing so hard that Common Endeavour Towers fears that he's going to give himself a hernia. Brown is all: "DO-NOTHING! DO-NOTHING!" and actually every Tory Chancellor back to the days of the Black Death supports his VAT policy.
12.10: Dave's still going on VAT and is accusing Brown of wasting £12.5bn which causes Brown to invoke Norman Lamont's approval *cough* don't mention Black Wednesday *cough*. Dave glistens in, complaining that retail chiefs think it's a bit rubbish and is all "won't someone PLEASE think of the children who are going to inherit this debt!"
12:14: Gord: "I believe that children are the future. Teach them well by investing in schools and SureStart and let them lead the way."
12.16: Apologies to Keith Vaz who I missed due to technical difficulties. Anyway, onwards and downwards to Nick Clegg who rehashes Cameron's copycat gag (no one like's pale imitations, do they Nick? Eh?) and asks the PM to play "hardball" with the banks. This is presumably an economic term which I have previously been unaware of.
12.17: Brown's having none of it and details the pressure he is putting on the backs. Clegg: "you SO aren't." Brown: "so ARE!"
12:19: Jeremy Corbyn, wearing quite the loudest blue blazer seen in the House for many a year, wants Israel done for war crimes. Brown gives a measured response arguing for international co-operation in order to solve the crisis.
12:20: Eric Joyce bowls a soft one regarding the New Opportunities white paper, which allows Brown to indulge in bought of cheerleading for the raft of proposals and sock a nifty one at Cameron for wanting to cut vital services. Go the Gord!
12:22: John Randall, a Conservative, asks whether he plans to have a vote on Heathrow. Brown commits to a planning inquiry and a Ministerial statement (we think that means "no" in common parlance).
12:24: Seriously, if your surname was Bacon, would you spend all your Parliamentary time going on about pork products? Even Brown makes a joke about it in a response about supporting farmers and "compassionate pig meat production" which is either a new policy for DEFRA or the title of a porn film.
12:27: Tom Brake - does anyone else think he look like Andy Burnham? - wants to know whether Brown will support a £140m refurb of a hospital in his local area. From Brake's tone one would be forgiven for thinking that the Government were trying to torch the buidling as opposed to supporting the proposal, but that's Liberal Demmery for you.
12:29: Missed the PQ but Brown answers his questioner swiftly and reminds the House that Cameron's a bit rubbish too boot. Michael Spicer wants to know if there's going to be a general election. Gord: "don't think so, mush!" Spicer: crushed.
12:30: Gregory Campbell DUP makes a hi-LAR-ious joke about Obama wanting to save the world and Brown, according to his wee verbal slip a few weeks before, having already done so. NotFlash has warm words for our incoming President and fails to address Campbell's gibe, presumably much to the latter's disappointment.
12:32: Blogging MP Kerry McCarthy on the environmental industries ... and that's it. Right, that was harder than I remember - I'm off for a cigarette.
About the author: Sadie is a fighter, not a lover and blogs at http://www.sadiestavern.com/ Read more from this author
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